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Pompeii: The Abridged Script

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Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: Pompeii. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

EXT - LONDONIA, SWORD-AND-SANDAL TIMES
JON SNOW, an absolutely ripped slave who’s family was murdered when he was a wee bairn
is travelling with his slave pals, being taken to POMPEII for some colosseum games. 
EMILY BROWNING, an Italian posho with an eating disorder and a ridiculous British 
accent drives past and her horse falls over.
EMILY BROWNING
Who can help my poor stallion?!
JON SNOW [superhero pose]
I CAN!
JON SNOW bends over the horse and breaks its neck. EMILY BROWNING falls instantly in 
love with him.
INT - COLOSSEUM DORM ROOMS
Having arrived in POMPEII JON SNOW has been bunked with the reigning champion, MR EKO. 
He’s intimidating.
MR EKO
Do you know how I know you're going to die.. because 
tomorrow we fight.
JON SNOW
Do you know how I know you’re going to die.. because 
you wear a skirt.
MR EKO
Do you know how I know you’re going to die.. because 
you have a little bitch afro.
JON SNOW
Do you know how I know you’re going to die.. because 
the smoke monster’s gonna fuck you up.
MR EKO
Do you know how I know you’re goi-
MEANWHILE
INT - EMILY BROWNING’S HOUSE
JACK BAUER - who must have had some dental work done that morning because he’sh got 
thish weird speesch thing going on - visits JARED HARRIS, the ruler of POMPEII.
JACK BAUER 
[flopping a bag of money on the table]
LET ME BUY POMPEII PLZ.
JARED HARRIS
I’ve never noticed how much you look like Jeff Dunham 
before, you know..
JACK BAUER
Well I’ve always noticed how your talents are always 
squandered in shitpile films. Now let me buy Pompeii.. 
and have sex with your daughter.
EMILY BROWNING enters and shrieks as JACK BAUER starts doing a weird pervert dance 
all up on her.
CUT TO:
INT - COLOSSEUM DORM ROOMS
MR EKO
You know how I know you’re going to die.. because you 
know nothing Jon Snow.
JON SNOW
You know how I know you’re going to die.. because you 
have bigger tits than my dead mum.
CUT TO:
INT - EMILY BROWNING’S HOUSE
JACK BAUER is still twerking in EMILY BROWNING’S direction.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS [to JARED HARRIS]
Distract him, you ginger loaf!
[looking at script]
Whaat? Is that my only line?
JARED HARRIS waves his hands manically and gets JACK BAUER’S attention just long enough 
to announce they’re going to host some GLADIATOR GAMES downstairs in the COLOSSEUM.
INT - COLESEUM
The ARENA fills up with GLADIATORS, and the two of them are vastly outnumbered but JON 
SNOW and MR EKO are too distracted to notice because they can't take their eyes off of
each other.
MR EKO
You know how I know you’re-
EMILY BROWNING
Kiss or get off the pot!
[eyeing a thrusting JACK BAUER]
I need you to save me!
The prospect of naked-times with EMILY BROWNING puts JON SNOW into action and he 
and MR EKO both deliver some major ass-kicking. All of a sudden MOUNT VESUVIUS 
EXPLODES, like, EXPLODES THE FLIP OUT OF ITSELF. IT COMPLETELY KRAWGH BSKGHGHGH's!
MR EKO
You know how I know you’re going to die......
FIRE REIGNS DOWN ALL OVER AND PEOPLE CRAP THEMSELVES SOMETHING ROTTEN.
JARED HARRIS
[failing to escape the crumbling COLOSSEUM]
SHIIIIIIT!
FUCKING EXPLOSION!
EMILY BROWNING 
[running away]
SHIIIIIT!
BRAAGHGGHGHHH! EXPLOSION!
GUARDS try to kill JON SNOW and MR EKO fends them off for him.
KRUUSSSGHHHHH! BRRGHGHGG! EARTHQUAKE!
JACK BAUER 
[chasing after EMILY BROWNING]
SHIIIIIIIT!
SHHBBRAAWGHHH! EXPLOSIONS AND EARTHQUAKE!
JON SNOW 
[chasing after JACK BAUER and EMILY BROWNING]
SHIIIIIIIT!!
SHWWWOOOOO-BRRSSHHH! TSUNAMI!
MR EKO 
[outrunning tsunami like a boss]
Dum-dee-dum-dum-do
BRROOSSCKCKGHGHG! FIREBALLS!
JACK BAUER 
[about to be stabbed by JON SNOW]
Pleash don’t! I wanted to make more 24!
MOUNT VESUVIUS continues to explode like a merciless blackhead, but with fire and lava.
EMILY BROWING 
[hugging JON SNOW, scared]
Oh, I love you, hobo-person I’ve met for a sum total 
of 21 minutes, counting off-screen interaction as well.
JON SNOW 
[watching the oncoming FIERY ASHCLOUD 
speeding towards them]
Let’s keep running, we might outrun it.
EMILY BROWNING
You know nothi-
JON SNOW SLAPS EMILY BROWNING for ‘You know nothing’ing him. They look lovingly into 
each others’ eyes as the FIERY ASH CLOUD catches up to them and swallows them both. 
The film ends on a nice romantic hug, but audiences can be happy with the knowledge
that as soon as the FIERY ASHCLOUD caught up to them they were writhing in pain, 
screaming in uncontrollable agony, much like you were when you walked into the cinema
and said “One for Pompeii, please.”

@sjbowron

Pompeii is in UK cinemas now.

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