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Transcendence: The Abridged Script

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Transcendence-Head

Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: Transcendence. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

EXT - DESOLATE CALIFORNIAN STREETS
PAUL BETTANY walks through a CALIFORNIA which is unkempt and full of HOBO-LOOKING 
PEOPLE.
PAUL BETTANY (voiceover)
This film’s trailers didn’t ruin enough, so I am here now, 
in flashfoward,to tell you literally the only plot point 
that that you don’t already know: Johnny Depp went crazy 
and we’ve turned off the world’s internet.
AUDIENCE
Mother fuc….
FLASHBACK TO:
INT - CONFERENCE HALL
JOHNNY DEPP, REBECCA HALL and PAUL BETTANY are hanging out at a science and 
technology conference trying to get sponsors for their AI program development. 
KATE MARA points fingerguns at JOHNNY DEPP and one of her lackeys shoots him.
JOHNNY DEPP
But.. I never.. got to make.. Pirates five...
MORTAL KOMBAT VOICEOVER DUDE
FINISH HIM!
REBECCA HALL
It’s okay, John-john, they only shot you with radioactive 
bullets. We can still upload you to the AI machine before 
you die furreal.
PAUL BETTANY
But weren’t we only just at a conference trying to get funding 
so we can actually make the software?
REBECCA HALL
Fuck plot logistics, Jarvis!
REBECCA HALL steals two “QUANTUM PROCESSORS” (of the FIVE HUNDRED required to 
run their currently operational AI system) whilst JOHNNY DEPP dies.
MORGAN FREEMAN (voiceover)
John-john was a cool guy. He was always sad that I beat 
him at Tetris and now he is dead. But all will be okay 
because I am speaking in my warm, moist doughnut voice 
and making you weak in the knees.
INT. GROTTY LOVESHACK
REBECCA HALL has connected JOHNNY DEPP up to the AI software and we’re all 
waiting without bated breath to see if it works.
PAUL BETTANY
I don’t think we should be doing this.
REBECCA HALL
Now aren’t you the one fucking with character logistics? 
When we were at the conference you were helping us get 
funding for exactly this!
8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP
Guys, stop arguing, look I’m on the interwebs! And I just 
beat Morgan Freeman’s Tetris score.
PAUL BETTANY
But Johnny Depp is shit at Tetris! Rebecca Hall, we have
to shut this down, this isn't John-john!
REBECCA HALL
Never! A Johnny Depp tamogotchi is better than no Johnny 
Depp!
PAUL BETTANY runs away and is captured by KATE MARA and her gang of people who 
despise computers but are clearly very adept at using them for their own gain.
KATE MARA
We need to shut down Rebecca Hall’s computer right now!
PAUL BETTANY (contemplative)
Actually, maybe we should wait a few years.
KATE MARA
That makes literally no sense at all.
PAUL BETTANY
I know, but bear with me…. we should see how this pans out.
KATE MARA
Errrr…………
THREE YEARS PASS BECAUSE FUCK YOU. REBECCA HALL and JOHNNY DEPP have built a 
science centre out of nothing in the middle of nowhere and no government agency 
or other anti-science nuts have done anything about the fact that they have mind
controlling nanotechnology.
8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP
What a perfect world we live in.
REBECCA HALL
I don’t know, I’m pretty lonely.
8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP
But you have my voice? And my simulated face!
REBECCA HALL
I have…. physical needs.
8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP goes off screen to create a NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP. Of course, you 
already know this because you’ve seen any one of the twelve trailers for the film.
EXT. DESERT OUTSIDE SCIENCE CENTRE
KATE MARA, PAUL BETTANY, MORGAN FREEMAN and CILLIAN MURPHY sit in a car waiting for 
the opportune moment to explode JOHNNY DEPP.
PAUL BETTANY
It’s too late now, isn’t it?
KATE MARA, 
MORGAN FREEMAN and 
CILLIAN MURPHY (in unison)
Yep. You dick.
PAUL BETTANY
Oh, bugger.
THE TEAM decide to attack the SCIENCE CENTRE anyway but the NANOBOTS just keep 
remaking the darn thing.
INT. SCIENCE CENTRE
NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP
Look, babe, I’m back!
REBECCA HALL
This is too weird! Tamogotchis can't have a physical form!
NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP
But you said you had needs - look what I can do with my…
EXT. DESERT OUTSIDE SCIENCE CENTRE
KATE MARA points a gun at PAUL BETTANY and calls for NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP on the 
security feed.
KATE MARA
If your consciousness is really human then you’ll kill 
yourself instead of letting me kill this albino!
PAUL BETTANY
This is for me making us wait three years for no reason 
at all isn’t it?
KATE MARA
That’s-a-bingo!
INT - SCIENCE CENTRE
REBECCA HALL
Do it, Nanobot John-john! Kill yourself! For me! For love!
NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP
Ah, what the heck.
NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP commits suicide and the internet and electricity turns off 
ACROSS THE GLOBE. Because there was no threat other than KATE MARA AND GANG 
blowing up JOHNNY DEPP’S HOUSE the film just sorta... ends.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Lot harder than it looks ain’t it?
WALLY PFISTER sobs.
MICHAEL BAY
Yeah, bitches! Moan all you like but at least my drivel 
is entertaining!
FREEZE FRAME on MICHAEL BAY punching the air in happiness.

@sjbowron

Transcendence is in UK cinemas now.

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