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Captain America 2: The Abridged Script

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Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: Captain America: Winter Soldier. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

EXT. THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
CAPTAIN AMERICA has moved away from punching bags to display his frustration with the 
21st century and now runs laps around WASHINGTON where he berates Army veterans for 
being slow.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Looooooseerrrrrr
ANTHONY MACKIE
Get bent! Go watch Star Wars Episode 6, wait twenty years 
and then watch Episode 1. We’ll see who’s laughing then!
With the first of many quips out of the way we CUT TO:
EXT. S.H.I.E.L.D. VESSEL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA
CAPTAIN AMERICA and BLACK WIDOW arrive at the S.H.I.E.L.D. ship which has been taken 
over by pirates.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
I’m gonna biff and pow these guys right in the jimmy, you 
go save the hostages.
BLACK WIDOW
[deadpan quip about 1940's fisticuffs]
CAPTAIN AMERICA throws punches [BAM!] and wings kicks [POW!] and uses his shield as an 
everyweapon [WHAPP!] to save the ship. BLACK WIDOW mercilessly shoots people in the 
face [SHOOT!], strangles people [STRANGLE!] and throws others into the sea [DROWN!]. 
It’s all very METAL GEAR SOLID.
INT. S.H.I.EL.D. HQ
SAMUEL L JACKSON shows CAPTAIN AMERICA some more air carriers (because AVENGERS 
ASSEMBLE taught us that they work) and fills him in on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s plan to spy on 
the world.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
You dudes are some right shady gimps.
NICK FURY
Don’t I know it... I’m pretty sure my boss, ROBERT REDFORD 
is a bad guy.
ROBERT REDFORD
Shhhhhhh
INT. SMITHSONIAN MUSEUM
Before the tiring hours of action begin CAPTAIN AMERICA decides to loiter around the 
CAPTAIN AMERICA - THE TRUE STORY OF AWESOME STEROIDS museum exhibition. Because this 
doesn’t quench his thirst for happiness he decides to look up PEGGY, the babe from the 
first film.
INT. PEGGY’S RETIREMENT HOME BEDROOM
PEGGY is olllllld.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
So…. you wanna do this?
PEGGY rips off her nightgown and audiences cower.
CUT TO:
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ
In a council chamber that will bring back terrible memories of 1999 for anyone over 
the age of 25 the SHADOW HOLOGRAM PEOPLE from AVENGERS ASSEMBLE (presumably) debate 
how awesome S.H.I.E.L.D. is.
COUNCILMAN 1
We’re definitely good people, right?
COUNCILMAN 2
We protect the world…. by destroying threats before they 
even turn into threats. That’s good.
ROBERT REDFORD
Yup.
COUNCILMAN 3
And nobody is letting this power go to their heads? Have 
any secret agendas?
ROBERT REDFORD
Nope. [cough]
SAMUEL L JACKSON
Swell!
EXT. ROADS ALL OVER WASHINGTON
A twenty minute car chase scene between SAMUEL L JACKSON and 10,000 goons goes down. 
In his effort to escape SAMUEL L JACKSON runs over people and very likely kills them 
like he thinks this is DIE HARD 5 or something. A human-looking TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA 
TURTLE blows up SAMUEL L JACKSON’s car but he escapes, badly wounded.
INT. CAPTAIN AMERICA’S BACHELOR PAD
CAPTAIN AMERICA comes home to find an almost-dead SAMUEL L JACKSON.
SAMUEL L JACKSON
I think this was us. Trust nobody.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Did I not tell you S.H.I.E.L.D.  were a bunch of 
odd jim-wickers?
SAMUEL L JACKSON
Don’t [cough] let them cancel AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D..
CAPTAIN AMERICA cries as SAMUEL L JACKSON dies.
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ
With SAMUEL L JACKSON dead ROBERT REDFORD someone within S.H.I.E.L.D. has some agents 
attempt to kill CAPTAIN AMERICA and anyone who gets in their way, including BLACK WIDOW.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
We need to hide!
BLACK WIDOW
I know how to become invisible!
INT. APPLE STORE
CAPTAIN AMERICA and BLACK WIDOW are dressed like hipsters. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s 5 billion- 
strong army can’t find them.
BLACK WIDOW
Let’s look at this iPhone to see where the plot takes 
us next.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
[totally hilarious quip]
INT. NEW JERSEY ARMY TRAINING BASE WHERE PRE-STEROID CAPTAIN AMERICA TRAINED
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Look! A light! And a computer. Let’s watch some more 
things.
A TRANSCENDED TOBY JONES appears on a computer monitor.
TRANSCENDED TOBY JONES
I AM A COMPUTER NOW. I WAS HIRED BY S.H.I.E.L.D. WAY 
BACK WHEN AND NOW S.H.I.E.L.D.  IS ALL BUT A FRONT FOR 
HYDRA, THE BADDIES IN THE FIRST CAPTAIN AMERICA FILM. 
BASICALLY SHIELD/HYDRA HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY 
BAD THING TO HAPPEN IN THE LAST SEVENTY YEARS; FROM 
THE VIETNAM WAR TO NIKKI MINAJ.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Jesus titty fucking christ.
BLACK WIDOW
You watched TEAM AMERICA?
CAPTAIN AMERICA
I AM TEAM AMERICA!
Someone blows up the base and CAPTAIN AMERICA and BLACK WIDOW obvs survive.
EXT. NEW JERSEY ARMY TRAINING BASE WHERE PRE-STEROID CAPTAIN AMERICA TRAINED
A seven hour shoot-out takes place. Whilst the whole audience leaves the screen to
pee/stretch their legs the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE WINTER SOLDIER reveals that 
he is CAPTAIN AMERICA’S childhood friend and nobody goes "WOOOAAAAAAHHHH".
INT. SOME RANDOM BASE WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF AND WILL NEVER EVER SEE EVER AGAIN
SAMUEL L JACKSON is alive again, because fuck you.
SAMUEL L JACKSON
S.H.I.E.L.D. is naughty, guys 
- SHUT UP CAPTAIN AMERICA - 
so we need to go blow it up.
BLACK WIDOW
Cool.
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D.
ABED NADIR
Cool cool cool.
Alright, this is it. The big one: there are about seventeen action scenes, each lasting 
approximately 8 hours apiece. CAPTAIN AMERICA, BLACK WIDOW and SAMUEL L JACKSON fuck 
shit up big time, especially in the bit where ROBERT REDFORD turns out to be the villian
and is pretty easily killed.
ANTHONY MACKIE
[amazing quip]
Oh yeah, ANTHONY MACKIE does some cool flying shit, too… I knew I’d forget about him.
EXT. SAMUEL L JACKSON’S GRAVEYARD
SAMUEL L JACKSON takes his eyepatch off and the gang reminisce the fun times they've 
had.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (yawning)
Guys, come on, can we just end the film.....
ANTHONY and JOE RUSSO
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
CINEMA ATTENDANTS across the country walk into the auditorium and have the awkward task
of waking up a screen full of people.

@sjbowron

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is in UK cinemas now.

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