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Ender’s Game: The Abridged Script

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Enders-Game

Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: Ender’s Game. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

EXT. AERIAL BATTLE
SPACESHIPS and FIGHTER PLANES fly around in a crazy-ass battle shooting at ORSON 
SCOTT CARD for being a bigot.
ENDER (voiceover)
A long time ago, somewhere off the coast of California 
some giant Space Ants attacked Earth. A kamikaze’ing Ben 
Kingsley exploded the Queen ship and we won… for now!
INT. BATTLE SCHOOL OFFICES
HARRISON FORD and VIOLA DAVIS are watching footage of ENDER watching 
footage of BEN KINGSLEY [BRAAAAAM].
HARRISON FORD
I’m telling you, this is the one person in the human race 
that will lead us to victory against the Space Ants.
VIOLA DAVIS
This seems silly. Why wouldn’t we turn to a team of 
experienced, highly trained commanders to lead the battle 
that could end the Space Ant War?
CUT TO:
In a BATTLE SCHOOL classroom ENDER, a little kid, TOTALLY PWNS a 17 year-old bully.
CUT BACK:
HARRISON FORD
This kid may look like a snivelling turd but he has 
potential to become the next Hayden Christensen, dammit!
ENDER is shot into SPACE to go to SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL where the other kids hate 
him because not only is he a PSYCHOPATH but he is SUPER INTELLIGENT, too.
INSIGNIFICANT CADET #1
Nerd!
INSIGNIFICANT CADET #2
Poopie face!
INSIGNIFICANT CADET #3
Hugo!
INT. SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL WAR ROOM
THE CADETS are trained to do battle. This gives them invaluable, if threat-less, 
COMBAT EXPERIENCE. ENDER continues to be the flyest MOFO to ever grace SPACE 
BATTLING.
ENDER 
(voiceover as he writes a letter home)
Super Battle School is uber hard. My teachers constantly 
tell my peers how much better I am than them. They tell 
me it’s so that as my balls drop they also turn into 
solid steel, but mostly is emotionally draining and cruel. 
Plz remember to tape Ben 10 for me.
CUT TO.
For AN HOUR AND A HALF we basically watch the same scenes over and over (BECAUSE 
SPACE ARMY IS RIGOROUS, YO). ENDER is awesome in the SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL WAR ROOM. 
ENDER challenges authority. CADETS hate ENDER. ENDER gets sadder. Repeat X11.
Eventually, after acing SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL, ENDER is driven into an early MID-
LIFE DEPRESSION.
ORSON SCOTT CARD
You know, I was right to hold off from making this movie 
for a long time; it doesn’t really translate the adult 
theme and messages as effectively as the book.
GAVIN HOOD
To be fair, it could be because I filmed this like it’s a 
high-end CBBC production.
ROBERTO ORCI and ALEX KURTZMAN
Hello!
THE AUDIENCE collectively groans.
EXT. A NICE LAKE ON EARTH
To cope with his early MID-LIFE DEPRESSION ENDER has left school and is now living 
in a hut by a lake. HARRISON FORD won’t have any of that.
HARRISON FORD
Come to Even Superer Super Battle School, son. We’re 
this close to finishing your training.
ENDER
I hate you.
HARRISON FORD
I know.
INT. EVEN SUPERER SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL
As ENDER prepares for his final batch of training he meets BEN KINGSLEY.
ENDER
I thought you were dead?!
BEN KINGSLEY
Yeahhhh,it seems that creating a martyr when winning 
the war was good for business. Well, that's me done.
Buh-bye now.
ENDER is tasked with commanding armies in simulated battles. Each battle grows in 
scale and becomes more and more intense. ENDER goes gray before he’s even got armpit
hair. HARRISON FORD gets a boner over how epic the battles are getting. Eventually a
‘FINAL SIMULATION’ approaches. This is the moment that, IN THE SIMULATION, would 
make or break the war and ENDER himself. 
HARRISON FORD
I’ve got a good feeling about this.
INT. EVEN SUPERER SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL SIMULATION ROOM
ENDER
Righto, crew, genocide is the way to go. If we're 
quick we can get back in time for My Parents Are Aliens!
ENDER and the SIMULATION CREW do lots of war stuff. Because they are sat in seats 
just pressing buttons it’s not all that impressive, but on the screen there is an 
INSANE, EPIC SPACE BATTLE going on. Eventually ENDER AND PALS sacrifice most of 
their army in an attempt to explode the SPACE ANT’S PLANET. He does, so the battle 
is won and ENDER is the coolest and has passed EVEN SUPERER SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL.
HARRISON FORD
Son, you won.
ENDER
No shit, Indy.
HARRISON FORD
No… We lied to you. That wasn’t a simulation; you 
actually just commanded a real army and won the 
Space Ants War.
ENDER
So those thousands of spaceships I sacrificed to win
had actual people in them?
HARRISON FORD (smiling)
Yup.
ENDER
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit……
ENDER goes into a second depression and runs out of the school.
EXT. WASTELAND ON THE PLANET THAT EVEN SUPERER SUPER BATTLE SCHOOL IS ON
ENDER approaches a weird-looking gigantic ant hill where he finds the last 
surviving SPACE ANT.
SPACE ANT
Let’s stare, baby!
The SPACE ANT and ENDER stare into each other’s eyes for, like, FIVE MINUTES.
In the book there is a moving passage about humanity and war. On screen it's
literally just a staring competition.
SPACE ANT
Here, take the last surviving Space Ant egg. 
I’m sure it’ll be great for the sequel that 
will definitely be on its way.
STUDIO EXECUTIVES
Uh, guys, your film made $2m. We’re pulling 
the plug.
AUDIENCE
Yay!

@sjbowron

Ender’s Game is available on DVD and Blu Ray now.

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