Adam Truscott Says Even A Diving Headbutt Can’t Save Fast & Furious 6

AKA The One Where Justin Lin Tries To Spread His ADHD Like A Viral Plague

From the sublime, to the ridiculous.

And, yes, I had it coming.

But, in my defence, Fast Five made me think I’d be getting something more. Fast Five being easily the most demented action film of the last five years. Ludicrous. I watched it last night as “homework”, and Mrs T just looked at me. Speechless. And she probably fancies Paul Walker and Vin Diesel.

Now, for context, and context is always important, I’d let her sleep with Walker if he promised to make Running Scared 2. Even if he insisted on the dumb subtitle “Running Scarier”. He’s unlikely to do that, of course. Because, up there with Leo, Walker is a bit of a genius. Stick. To. What. You. Know. Has anyone done that better? Maybe Vin, I suppose. And the trailer for Riddick 3 does look good.

But I digress…

So, after a few hours letting it sink in, I’m disappointed with Fast Six – or whatever we’re calling it. I’m not sure if that’s because I was transported to the glorious 1920’s last night. Maybe it’s because I’m going to pretend to be a miniature elf thing tomorrow with my five-year-old, for Epic 3D. Maybe it’s because we’ve been spoilt in the last few weeks. I don’t know.

But F6 is problematic. It’s opening is like the start of Entourage. A quick re-cap, and then an ADHD glimpse of all previous five films. Just like that. It sets you up, incase you’d forgotten, that you’re in a world where cars can flip trucks over. And then let trucks roll along the road, (do trucks…. roll??), then tap the brake, gas, e-ching whatever, and let said truck fly over your head.

So, don’t take this as me saying: “WTF? It was so silly, and OTT”. Because I went in expecting that. But I’m still saying something was missing. Maybe its the new (over) familiarity between Vin and The Rock (!). Or maybe its the lack of humour. Maybe it’s both.

The humour, or lack of, is worth covering. A decent (albeit obvious) harpoon gag aside, the film just trundles on. I’d rather we went back to the dark old days of taking the piss out of the British accent. But nothing. Near the end, on the longest runway ever recorded in film, a plane is scorched. We’re not sure if one of our Hero’s has made it. I would forgive the film everything, EVERYTHING, if they went for a Last Crusade gag. Pan around and have them watching the carnage. Who me? I’m fine. Who are we looking for? Alas no. It’s just vacant. And worse…. It seemingly wants to return to its “TV roots” and finish with a sitcom style finale. Pfffft. Fuck that shit. I came here for tanks, man.

And its a shame. the tank chase, ruined by Cineworld in their bizarre “Here’s the best five minutes of a film, please go and now book to see the rest of the film” mode, is sensational. It worked. But Cineworld, hold a bit back, man.

Regardless, I’ll re-explore that scene. And the endless runway scene. They’re masterclasses in stunt madness. Absolute carnage. The film started to take itself more seriously, too. Addressing the fact that people may be in their cars – unlike the bizarre situation in the London tube. There, Lin has everyone stand around watching two key fights. Really? No cops? Just a wrestling crowd. At least let them hold some banners up. “Walker for President”. “Running Scared > And FF Film”. That sort of thing.

That’s a shame, too. The guy seems talented….. Hang on…. I’ve just IMDb’d this…. He did the last four FF movies?? Is that right??? Jesus. If that’s the case this has become the franchise that just keeps giving. Him, Walker and Vin will be dining off this forever.

The problem is I’ll probably be there. The coda, thankfully straight into the credits (ADHD again!!), is brilliant. A wrap around on a par with the last Final Destination. I love stuff like that. And the promise of another smack down isn’t without its appeal.

Maybe this time The Rock can finally do the people’s elbow. Or someone can explain why its OK for all of the good guys to just rock out shotguns. So. Many. Questions.

I do think the next one needs to be in 3D. I say that because numerous shots are of things coming straight at the screen. The problem then would be Lin’s ADHD. That boy needs to mount cameras onto the cars and let the scene play out. Instead we get whizz bang edits that come off as amateur hour.

I think I’m over analysing this, now. I just know that this is a step back after Fast Five. They should get David Fincher to do the next one.

This franchise jumped the shark when everyone forgot to notice the one they all slag off, Tokyo Drift, is the best one. Cest la vie.