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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them teaser review

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Being one of the five people in the world that isn’t unhealthily obsessed with Harry Potter, I can’t say I’m too bothered about Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I’d be behind a David Attenborough instructional-video-gone-wrong-type deal, where the presenter and crew all run for their lives after stealing eggs from a wamp snazzle nest, but the idea of yet more magic seems a bit regressive, like returning to your hometown, only to realise everyone you knew has moved on and the people in their place are new and weird or Eddie Redmayne.

So my brow remained unenthusiastically drooped for the new Fantastic Beasts teaser. Not like it was for the Snow White Hunter’s Chicken trailer, but I was still creating a formable ridge with my face. Redmayne’s character, Newt Scamander, is emigrating to New York because that sort of thing is all the rage right now and he’s smuggling in what looks like a fluddlepud, a spunk monster that spawns from wank socks. It tries to claw its way out of his suitcase, but he flicks a magic switch to make it disappear back into Narnia just before he goes through customs. Terrorists wish Samsonite would make something similar.

With unsavoury habits like this, it’s no wonder Scamander was expelled from Hogwarts. It’s also unsurprising to learn that serial young-boy-befriender, Albus Dumbledore, is particularly fond of him. Maybe Harry isn’t so special after all. I mean, where was his TARDIS suitcase and American adventure? I bet he doesn’t even have a pabshlit. Anyway, at this point in the trailer, some of the props from the original films make an appearance, like the newspapers with moving images that are basically less impressive than smartphones. Even the theme tune is the same with the exception of the last two notes, which have moved on from wizard films to be UN ambassadors.

It looks and feels like the Harry Potter world, but you can’t take it as seriously because Colin Farrell is in it. There’s also this weird little sneet huffin thing that’s far too small and fluffy to pass for a ‘beast’. I was expecting to see an 8ft wide, bastard of a ratloot, with fuck-off arms and biker boots. ‘Look at the size of its fucking jaw!’ Scamander would say, with Katherine Waterson’s character, Porpentina Goldstein, adding: ‘Is that an anchor tattoo? This beast is fantastic’.

Porpentina Goldstein? What a ridiculous, made-up name.

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Words by Chris Edwards

Chris’s website: www.cinewipe.com

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